


You've got to share it, so you dare it.

by Lynge



Series: I'm stuck with these Chucklefucks [2]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Aiden Lives (The Witcher), Arachnophobia, Bipolar Aiden, Gen, M/M, Masturbation, Pre-Relationship, Trans Aiden (The Witcher), Trans Male Character, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:01:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25887004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lynge/pseuds/Lynge
Summary: The twitching corpses of the arachnomorphs around him were disturbing Aiden. He knew it was a muscle response. It just looked eerie. “You could just help me out, you know?” He snapped at Lambert when another spray of webbing wrapped him up, muffling his words.“I could,” Lambert conceded. “Or I continue watching this highly enjoyable impressionistic dance you’ve got going on with your date there.”“Honestly, this is not the partner I’d normally pick.” Aiden quipped back with a sly wink.***Aiden kills some spiders, Lambert doesn't. The chucklefucks do laundry without using water.Lambert thinks he's being super stealthy, Aiden realizes he's got a crush. Poor disaster men.
Relationships: Aiden/Lambert (The Witcher)
Series: I'm stuck with these Chucklefucks [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1869061
Comments: 27
Kudos: 85
Collections: Witcher Rarepair Discord Collection





	You've got to share it, so you dare it.

**Author's Note:**

> CW:  
> \- Canon Typical Violence;  
> \- Spiders, Arachnomorphs (no we're not doing anything freaky with them, they just die);  
> \- Fantasizing about people who don't know you're fantasizing about them;  
>  _Thank yous and inspiration to be found in the End Notes. Kudo's and comments fuel my writing boner._

Aiden felt drained, which had to do with the adrenaline it took him to clear out a nest of arachnomorphs. He was also bruised, not from the insectoids, but the hits his ego was taking from Lambert just standing there and taunting him. Thank the sun he was almost done, only one of the monsters was left. 

Spiders were a pain in the ass for Aiden. He needed to get close to his targets, and usually, he didn't have issues mowing them down. Insectoids were a different type of beasts, and he really wouldn't mind arachnomorphs going extinct. The multi-legged freaks either webbed him up if he got close or skittered all over the place, making Aiden chase after them like a goddamned puppy.

The twitching corpses of the arachnomorphs around him were disturbing Aiden. He knew it was a muscle response. It just looked eerie. "You could just help me out, you know?" He snapped at Lambert when another spray of webbing wrapped him up, muffling his words.

"I could," Lambert conceded. "Or I continue watching this highly enjoyable impressionistic dance you've got going on with your date there." 

"Honestly, this is not the partner I'd normally pick." Aiden quipped back with a sly wink, before sidestepping the next attack from the spider. He cast Quen as soon as it looked like the arachnomorph was preparing another web volley. _I'm not falling for that trick again, you fuzzy fucker._

"You don't like your dates to tie you up while they rake their hairy claws all over you?" Lambert enquired sarcastically. 

An image of strong arms holding him down distracted Aiden for a moment. _That depends on who's attached to the claws, Lambert._ The thought almost made Aiden miss the opportunity to sever one of the spider's legs. 

"Oh, don't get me wrong wolf, I'm all in favor of some knotwork and cuddles. But I don't remember **consenting** ,"—he grunted with effort, forcing the haladie between the spider's mandibles—"to this bitch going to town on me." 

With a revolting noise, he felt the carapace give way far enough for him to plunge the dual-ended weapon in and skewer the beast's central nerve system. It slumped down, and Aiden turned to face Lambert, who was still laughing his ass off.

Lambert took a deep breath to get his next pun out, "Well, that's one hell of a way of getting out of a relationship." 

Aiden was pissed off. He felt tired, sweaty, and the remnants of spider silk were making his skin crawl.

***

"What if I didn't manage to kill them all?" Aiden had a thoughtful look in his eyes while he plucked webbing out of his strawberry blonde curls and wiped the sticky shit on Lambert's armor. 

"Come on, you know I would have joined you the moment I'd see any of them get too handsy." When they arrived at the nest, it turned out to be just three arachnomorphs, something Lambert thought Aiden would handle easily. 

Aiden narrowed his eyes, "You better keep that promise. I don't think the concept of a safeword goes over well with anything that walks on more than two legs." 

Lambert hesitantly grabbed a few arachnomorph parts from the ground. _Aiden did a good slice and dice on these fuckers._ They'd need some proof for the alderman of the nearby village to claim their coin. "I remember you saying you needed the exercise this morning. I thought I'd just stay out of the way."

"The fact that their webbing is absolute hell to get off your armor didn't even remotely factor in, did it?" Aiden sneered as they started walking back towards their camp.

"I might have taken that into account," Lambert admitted. "Casting Igni on your armor from a distance will burn off most webbing." Lambert glanced at Aidens profile, as he offered the advice. 

"Huh, never thought of that." Aiden looked at Lambert in surprise. "That's pretty smart—who taught you that trick?"

Lambert hesitated for a moment. "No one. I discovered it my first summer on the Path," he glanced at Aiden from under his lashes as he kept walking. "I rolled into my own Igni, and it got rid of the webs."

"Why the hell would you roll into Igni?!" Aiden stopped walking and stared at him. Lambert could see the gears inside Aiden's head turn as he came to a rather embarrassing— _yet accurate_ —conclusion. 

"Oh my suns, Lambert, **are you afraid of arachnomorphs?!** " Lambert could see the cat suppress a snort, the amusement escaping out of his amber eyes instead. 

"Fuck you, Aiden. I have a thing against spiders, okay?!" Lambert felt his chest and face flush in embarrassment. "I panicked when they started skittering around me," he added in a faint murmur. _Great, now Aiden is chuckling._

Aiden's chuckling stopped. Instead, he started roaring with laughter and buckled over, holding on to his side. He was laughing louder than Lambert had been while Aiden was fighting the spiders. Coming up with witty retorts **and** keeping tabs on the skittering fucks was hard work. 

When Aiden stood upright, he had tears in his eyes. "No worries, your secret is safe with me," Aiden offered with a stern look. He slapped Lambert on the shoulder and squeezed him, "I'll protect you from the creepy crawlers." Aiden vowed, before erupting in laughter again.

When they got back to the camp in the late afternoon, Lambert thoroughly regretted telling Aiden how he discovered the quickest way to clear the web off his armor. _Should have just let him do it the old fashioned way. I'll never hear the end of this._

***

Standing next to his small tent, just big enough to house a bedroll and keep the elements at bay, Aiden unbuckled his armor and slid it off with a shrug. Sticky spider silk was stuck in all the nooks and crannies of his jacket. It would take him at least an hour to scrape it off with the usual method.

Looking down at his trousers and boots, he saw they also had some of the silver-white webbing clinging on. With a sigh, he unlaced his supple shoes and kicked them off. Aiden did a double-check for underclothes— _thank the suns I thought of that this morning_ —and dropped his trousers, stepping out of them, and kicking them towards his armor.

Lambert stood near their horses, tying the spider legs to one of the saddles lying on the grass. Aiden felt sorry for him. A fear of spiders was pretty much bog-standard in humans, but witchers? And in _Lambert_? Aiden had a hard time imagining the wolf scared of anything that wasn't related to emotions.

"Oh wise one, teach me the ways of your Igni cleanse!" Aiden called at Lambert in a taunting voice. 

Aiden saw Lambert scrunch up his shoulders in displeasure. It made him look like a really angry, really tiny troll. Aiden had to bite down on the inside of his cheek so he wouldn't burst into laughter again. 

Seeing Lambert's brow furrow at Aiden's state of undress, Aiden realized that Lambert had never seen him without armor. _Stop staring at me, Lambert. I might start thinking things._ Aiden folded his arms over his chest and gave Lambert a searching look. "What?"

"I figured you to be an all-black kind of guy in the underwear department. Just to keep up with your"—Lambert wiggled his fingers—"spooky assassin look." Lambert gathered up Aiden's armor and started laying it out on the grass.

Aiden stared down at his navy tunic and braies. "I hope you didn't put any money on that bet." He walked over to where Lambert was straightening the top armor. He placed his leather trousers next to it, with the side that had most of the silk sticking to it, facing up. "It's all blue or charcoal."

Lambert looked up from his work, "Charcoal is technically black, so I would have won that bet." 

Aiden chuckled, "Winning on a technicality isn't really winning, is it?" Aiden got up from his crouched position and walked back a few steps, looking at his clothes lying in a neat row. 

Lambert removed the laces from Aiden's boots and threw them towards the tents. "You don't want those to get heated up. Too thin, it will fuck up the integrity; they will break. No, I will not tell you how I found that out,—And, I'll take any win, I'm not picky like that." Lambert replied.

"The trick is to cast an Igni strong enough, so it fans out and goes over your armor, without burning it." Lambert made a cone with his arms to illustrate the range needed to get there. "Want to give it a try or want me to do it? I can pretty much guess the distance at this point, having done this a few times now." 

Aiden looked at his armor and thought about that for a moment. The risk of him overcharging his Igni was significant, so having Lambert show him how to do this would help. "If you torch my armor on purpose," he looked Lambert in the eyes, "I will strangle you in your sleep." 

Lambert barked out a laugh and motioned Aiden to stand behind him. "Behold, ye of little faith." Lambert narrowed his eyes while calculating a trajectory just before he signed Igni. The fire reached out in front of them with medium velocity. Following the flames' edge, Aiden saw the heat roll over his armor, holding his breath, he hoped this wouldn't backfire. 

As the air above his armor shimmered from the heat, Aiden raised an eyebrow in surprise. _Son of a bitch, this actually works._ The remnants of silk shriveled up and turned to ash, floating away on the breeze.

Walking over to his armor, Aiden looked back at Lambert, who was grinning smugly. "Told you it works."

***

After they'd eaten something, Aiden had declared the day over. Lambert watched him hang his armor on a low branch and wished him a good night before Aiden retreated into his tent. In no time, Lambert heard a soft snore coming from Aiden's tent. The guy was probably drained.

Lambert couldn't blame him. Aiden had been the one doing all the work on the arachnomorphs after all. The fucking spiders just triggered some animal instinct in Lambert that made him want to get the fuck away. He didn't know why, and he didn't care. 

Lambert stripped down to his smallclothes and tossed his armor next to Aiden's on the branch. 

As Lambert crawled into his tent, about three meters from Aiden's, he thought of the day before, when Aiden had come back to camp with the spider contract. Lambert had to swallow back the panicked feeling in his gut when Aiden cheerfully declared it 'easy money.' 

Lying on his back, Lambert folded his arms behind his head. If possible, he skipped arachnoid-contracts. And he hadn't meant to let Aiden deal with the insectoids on his own, but it just sort of happened?

When they came into the clearing, Lambert saw the nest and counted three of the monsters, which **should** have been an easy fight for the two of them. 

As soon as Aiden spotted the arachnomorphs, Lambert felt the cat next to him accelerate, and with a few light strides and a jump, he had thrown himself into the fight. Probably assuming Lambert would be right behind him. 

But, Lambert wasn't right behind Aiden. Because one of the spiders started doing that gods damn skittering thing, and Lambert hadn't been able to get his legs to work correctly. He stood there, nailed to the ground, a few meters away from Aiden, who was gracefully dodging the arachnomorphs attacks. 

"Are you not joining this dance?" Aiden had shouted at Lambert. He flipped one of the spiders on it's back and stabbed his haladie through the soft spot where the cephalothorax and abdomen of the creature met—pinning it to the ground, before pulling his weapon out with a twist. That was one spider down. 

"Why would I? You look like you've got this sorted!" Lambert grabbed the chance to pass his wavering off as a planned move and felt his legs start working again. 

Running in would have meant that Aiden could catch on to Lambert's initial hesitancy. So he had done what he always did; he doubled down on a— _dumb?_ —decision by staying out of combat. All he had done was offer up bad quips and shitty puns.

Lambert shifted on his bedroll. He had to admit, watching the fight had been pretty impressive. Oh, Lambert **was** paying attention to the arachnomorphs. He knew that if shit went sideways, he would have had to step in and help Aiden.

Replaying the fight in his mind, Lambert observed that Aiden always had a grin on his face when in battle. It looked equal parts eerie and serene. Aiden's smile held a trace of acceptance of what he was, and how he did his job as a witcher. Lambert realized he **envied** Aiden for it. 

And the cat could **fight**. Lambert had seen more than enough people clash weapons in pretty spectacular ways. Still, he'd never seen anyone attack with such ferocity as Aiden. The man really didn't do anything by halves. His movements were fast and smooth, dodging out of reach just in time for most attacks and slashing up the monsters whenever he was close enough. 

It had gone fine all in all, and Lambert didn't feel excessively bad about hanging back. He'd made it up to Aiden by sharing his solution to the spider silk issue, so he figured they were even. 

The downside to not having joined the fight was that Lambert was wide awake. He still had adrenaline to spare and knew he wouldn't fall asleep anytime soon unless he'd let off steam. 

Listening carefully, he still heard the rhythmic snoring coming from the direction of Aiden's tent. Considering his options, Lambert flipped onto his side, his back towards Aiden's tent, and slid his right hand down to the front of his braies. He palmed his stiffening cock, rubbing firmly along his shaft, teasing himself through the fabric.

Lambert closed his eyes and moved his hand to the top of his braies, sliding them down and kicking them off quickly. He started working his fingers from his abdomen to the curve of his hips in small circles. Following the line to his balls, he cupped himself and slowly massaged his sac, while ignoring his cock. 

Lambert wiggled out of his undershirt quickly and teased his nipples, pinching them in turn, flicking over them with his fingers. His body shivered in response to the sensation, and he barely managed to hold back a moan. 

Feeling his neglected cock twitch against his stomach, Lambert looked down and saw his swollen head leaking onto the hairs trailing down his belly. He could hear his breathing getting deeper, and his heartbeat was starting to speed up. Giving himself more room, he rolled onto his back and let his leg fall to the side. 

He let go of his nipple and moved his hand down to his cock, placing his palm over the shaft, but not gripping, yet. Forcing the hard length to stay in place while he trailed his right hand down to the sweet spot behind his sac. Applying pressure in slow circles, until he felt a hot tight feeling build up. Lambert curled his fingers around his shaft and started rolling his hips, thrusting into his hand. 

***

Startled out of slumber by suppressed grunts, Aiden wanted to spring into action straight away. It took him a moment to realize they weren't under attack.

What gave it away was the sharp smell of saltpeter and celandine, which was how Lambert smelled. Aiden just didn't think it made sense that the scent carried into his tent and blended with a musky aroma Aiden usually associated with sex. _And why is the grunting scattered with moans?_

 _Oh..._ **_Oh!_**

Aiden wasn't big on spying. _Well, that's not true, I'm a trained assassin. Intrusion is part of the job description,_ he thought while he could hear an increased heart rate coming from Lambert's tent. What Aiden meant was that he wanted to give his friend some privacy. 

He had assumed that this was one of the extracurricular activities Lambert indulged in whenever they split up. Hell, it's what Aiden did when he got a moment to himself. Knowing that fellow witchers had a superior sense of hearing and smell, Aiden assumed that both he and Lambert got themselves off with quite some distance between them. Since it could be awkward to smell your friend's come all over the place when you've only just met. _Guess that saying about assuming is correct._

Aiden could hear Lambert attempting— _and gloriously failing_ —to be silent. The fact that he tried was cute, but Aiden had an even better sense of hearing than most witchers. And in the past three weeks, Aiden had found Lambert's attempts at being quiet laughable at best. The wolf didn't have a stealthy bone in his body. 

Which reminded Aiden of that afternoon. He had noticed when Lambert froze. His heart rate had spiked, and the smell of adrenaline that usually came off Lambert before he engaged a monster had an undercurrent of panic. A smell Aiden hadn't been able to place. Not until after Lambert confessed his fear of spiders.

Aiden had enjoyed fighting the three arachnomorphs. It had been a few days since he had burned through some energy. Being alone on the battleground with the monsters meant he didn't have to pay attention to where he aimed his haladie. Whatever was within reach was fair game, as long as Lambert stayed at a safe distance. 

Lambert may have stalled out because of the arachnomorph. Still, when the fear had eased, Aiden could swear Lambert actually enjoyed the view. During the fight, Aiden had felt Lambert's eyes track his moves. It felt **nice** to be appreciated while he was relishing in slaughtering the spiders. Aiden was used to being observed with fear or disgust. The fascinated way Lambert had been looking at him was new. 

Aiden sighed when he realized that he really liked that Lambert observed him appreciatively when he was fighting. He really liked it when Lambert made terrible jokes. He really liked looking at the wolf's full lips when Lambert smirked. _Shit. I've got a fucking crush._

Aiden dropped his head on the floor with an exasperated sigh that coincided with another _—badly—_ muffled moan from Lambert's tent. Aiden felt heat pool up between his thighs. Looking down between his legs, Aiden scolded his dick. _Really? You're chiming in?_ Tensing his pelvic muscles, Aiden could feel the heat grow tighter.

Between the sounds Lambert was attempting to cover up and the heady smell of precum in the air, there was only a tiny chance of Lambert noticing anything that happened in Aiden's tent. If anything, Lambert would probably ignore it. Because acknowledging that he could tell Aiden was aroused, Lambert would also have to face the fact that Aiden knew Lambert had his hands down his pants.

Aiden untied the laces on his braies and traced his fingers down into the soft curls above his dick. _And if Lambert notices and doesn't double-down on ignorance, I'll just deal with it,_ he thought. Stroking his fingers over his swollen lips, Aiden canted his hips. He slipped his first two fingers between them, and teased at his entrance, gathering up some of the slick, spreading it on the tip of his sensitive nub in a steady circling motion.

Inhaling deep. Aiden could smell Lambert's arousal even better, and it loosened something in his gut. Spreading his fingers into a V shape, Aiden stroked his dick with slow movements, focusing on the sounds drifting from the tent next to him. The groans weren't that loud. They were similar to the ones Lambert let out when he landed a hit with his broadsword.

That was a visual Aiden quite enjoyed. Lambert's fighting was a sight to behold. He was faster than Aiden had expected for someone in his school or type of armor. His stance was almost lackadaisical, but it didn't fool Aiden. He could see the muscles in Lambert's legs whenever he moved. Letting his mind stray, Aiden wondered what those legs would look like without any armor, covered in a sheen of sweat. Perhaps even see them straining like he was probably doing right now only a few meters away. Aiden clenched his teeth together, trying not to make any noise while he sped up his stroking motions. 

It had been warm this week, and while setting up camp that morning, Lambert had taken off his jacket to move just a bit easier. Aiden suggested Lambert take off his black undershirt too, playfully, and had gotten a middle finger in return. Nonetheless, Aiden had gotten a chance to look at the wolf without an extra layer of leather. Lambert had a broad chest and shoulders, but unobtrusively so and Aiden desperately wanted to know what was under that shirt. 

Aiden heard Lambert's heartbeat pick up speed, which presumably meant he was getting close. Doubling his efforts, Aiden concentrated on the increasing rhythm and matched his strokes to it. 

Closing his eyes, Aiden recalled howLambert threw the rope that kept up their tents over a nearby tree branch. The muscles in Lambert's forearms tensed, and the upward motion meant his undershirt had gone riding up. The exposed area of Lambert's stomach looked inviting. The muscles hiding under a soft, delicious layer of fat and fair skin. Lambert's belly was covered in dark hair, which got denser towards the middle line that tracked down into his leathers. Aiden whimpered while he imagined running his fingers down that line. 

The scent of arousal coming from the tent next to him was getting overwhelming as Aiden felt his own heart thumping in unison with Lambert's. The heat pooling up in his lower belly got tighter with every stroke. 

The sudden unmistakable smell of come, combined with Lambert's heart skipping a beat, made Aiden realize the wolf had just emptied himself. The mental image of a pool of cum on Lambert's stomach, and the heady scent permeating his nose, pulled Aiden over the edge. Involuntarily bucking his hips, he kept stroking until his thigh muscles were spasming. Aiden bit down on his lower lip to stifle the sounds he threatened to make as he rode out the shockwaves. 

***

Lambert took his time, edging to that point of no return a few times before he gave in to pleasure and closed his eyes so tight he felt his senses unbalance. He came hard, shooting onto his belly. Rutting into his hand, holding his tight balls in the other, he drained himself completely.

He felt utterly spent as he lay panting in his tent, a small film of sweat covering his body, heart slowly going back to a reasonable rate. Lambert grabbed his undershirt to wipe the mess he'd made off and let out a content sigh. 

While Lambert drifted off to sleep, he faintly noticed that Aiden's snoring had stopped. 

## EPILOGUE:

Exiting his tent, with some fresh underclothes on, Lambert saw that Aiden was preparing breakfast. Made sense, he had gone to bed earlier than Lambert. They had the deal that whoever woke up first made their morning meals, so they could get on their way as fast as possible when the other woke. 

In reality, this meant that Lambert's circadian rhythm had forced him to improve on most of his porridge recipes. Aiden tended to sleep at least half an hour longer than him. Not today, the cat was up and about and stirring in a pot over the makeshift fire.

Aiden glanced up from the pot at Lambert. "Morning, hope my snoring didn't keep you up."

Lambert grabbed bowls from their saddlebags "Nah, it's soothing, you sound like a purring cat. It makes me drift off faster." He handed them over to Aiden to fill up while he got his armor from the tree. Aiden was already wearing his. 

Putting on his trousers and boots, Lambert came back to the fire and grabbed the bowl of porridge Aiden offered him. "You? You seemed beat after those arachnomorphs."

Aiden took a spoon and scooped up some porridge, blowing on it before taking a bite. He swallowed and coolly looked at Lambert. "Only woke up once. A wolf or something was panting by our tents, but he came and went pretty quickly."

"Really? I didn't hear anything." Talking with his cheeks full of porridge, Aiden thought Lambert resembled a really big— _really oblivious_ —hamster.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll start with thanking [sohydrated](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sohydrated/pseuds/sohydrated/works). An awesome beta that filters my horrid Dutch spelling out and theorizes about the choices these guys would make. I'd like to recommend [Home, if You'll Have it](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24094744) to you all. It's a lovely piece of fic with a lot of feels. 
> 
> This fic is a submission for the August 2020 Prompt of the Witcher Rarepair Discord. The prompt this month: Dirty Laundry.
> 
> ***
> 
> Title and fic inspired by ['Epic' by Faith No More: https://youtu.be/ZG_k5CSYKhg](https://youtu.be/ZG_k5CSYKhg). Fun fact: This song is 100% about masturbation.


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